MTM blog March 2023
Many clients and friends have come to me or asked for help about lack of interest or waning interest in making love and having sex. Either personally or for their partner. For example:
- I am not sexually attracted to my partner now, and I used to be.
- I don’t want to have sex with him.
- Now that we’ve had kids, I’m not interested in sex.
- It hurts to have sexual intercourse.
- I feel insecure and unconfident about my sexual skills.
- I’ve lost my libido and I don’t know where to find it!
- It’s uncomfortable to make love.
- I am not happy with my body image, size, shape etc.
- My wife lost interest in sex when we had children, but I still need sexual release. (men
- I have never had an orgasm and I want to have one (women.
I believe a lot of these issues start from a woman or a man’s first sexual experience. A woman’s pain is often a very deep wound.
Girls and romance
Many movies are romantic with kissing and tenderness and girls and teenagers are wooed with these ideas – where male lovers are romantic and gentle and treat women with love and respect and ask for consent. They believe that these movies are real.
Boys and porn
Boys and men watch or read porn, where all women are wet, horny, ready and willing to do any act that a man can ask for. And men are always large, hard and able to have sex for hours and hours. They get the idea that these movies are real
Sex Ed
Most sexual education does not prepare women or men for their first sexual encounter. A teenage male does not look at photos of yonis and clitoris* (see photo above), to know that the sizes and shapes are different. He often does not know that a woman’s arousal takes a lot longer than his. He doesn’t know about women’s sensitive spots and erogenous zones, where to find them and how to stimulate them. And that women are different and have different reactions on different days and times. They often desire a slow, sensual lingering body stroking and teasing sensations. Sometimes they want it hot hard and fast!
Hymen
Teenage females (and males) are often not told about the hymen. The hymen is that little thin piece of skin which covers the external opening of the yoni. It will be broken the first time a woman has intercourse, which often results in bleeding and is always painful, physically and emotionally.
Even the word hymen, which is Latin, is the same in many languages and does not seem to be feminized in any way.
Virgins
So, for her first time, she is expecting a loving romantic gentle uplifting experience, and her fantasies are shattered by pain and blood. He is expecting an excited, wet easy and quick experience (just like masturbation) and as a result he can get performance anxiety!
Neither one knows what they are doing, and each is extremely disappointed.
Emotional trauma, shame and guilt, can result, especially if adolescents are not educated about these things. There is often emotional scarring and sex can often be associated with pain and trauma for the rest of her life.
So the next time, she is tense and fearful of pain, so she doesn’t relax. He is tentative and unsure, not wanting to hurt her either.
The woman cannot relax enough to enjoy making love with her male partner and sees it as an onerous duty.
Alternatives
Open communication and education is the key. Her mother, older sibling or peers can sometimes be helpful here. Books and the internet can be helpful or misleading information sources.
Conversely, if your first sexual experience is planned, consensual, and deliberately, gently and lovingly experienced, you can be more relaxed and open to orgasms.
I have included a photo of the whole clitoris*, as it is only the sensitive tip that is visible outside a woman’s body. Yes, it does look similar to external masculine genitals. The invisible bulbs are shown here as engorged when a woman is fully aroused. Being under a woman’s skin makes it difficult for both her and her partner to know what is going on. Verbal consent and communication is paramount for your mutual satisfaction and pleasure.
Other cultures
In some cultures, an older relative teaches the young person of the same or other gender. For example, an uncle teaches a young woman about sexuality and gender differences or an auntie or close female friend teaches the young man. Sometimes these liaisons (organized and condoned by parents) include the first penetration as well.
Sacred initiation ceremonies at puberty used to include instruction about sexual and spiritual matters by priests and priestesses or elders. These have been lost in modern times.
Orgasms
In life and sex men tend to focus on performance – their own or their partners. When they can let go of the big peak ejaculation, learn how to control their own desires and focus on creating the woman’s pleasure first, then they can have prolonged enjoyment. This makes more pleasure for both.
When women can learn to tune into their own feminine energy and learn how to have their own orgasms, without relying on their male partner, and also how to pleasure them, they can relax more easily and connect deeper.
There are many different types of orgasms – energy orgasms, nipple orgasms, clitoral orgasms, G spot orgasms. Even food orgasms!
Learning to Love Yourself
The key to overcoming these issues is learning how to love yourself, tuning in to your own sexual energy, tuning in to your body’s pleasure, and getting “out of your head”! This can take years or moments, therapy or discussion, confession or disclosure, everyone has a different path.
I can teach you body awareness with Tantric practices using breathwork and massage.
Interesting Fact: Many other mammals also have hymens for example, chimpanzees, horses, llamas, elephants, and whales. (Wikipedia)
If you have any questions or want to learn how to control your orgasm and ejaculation, pleasure your partner more, or have multiple orgasms,
ask Ally.
